Lifeless
by BlackFrost4
Summary: The events on Halloween at Godric's Hollow not only left Severus forever broken, it also leeched his life away. This is a story of how he got a semblance of his life back, wretched though it may be.


**_Lifeless_**

 ** _-_ _The Dreamer_**

Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster of Hogwarts was expecting his potions professor over tea. The man had been devastated with the events of Godric's Hollow. Six months ago he would never have expected the man to be capable of such strong love. Granted, it was a selfish love and the man would probably have been happy to see James and Harry Potter, the husband and infant son of Lily Evans, the woman he loved, die, even though it would mean that Voldemort would be running around killing people even now. But it broke the man to see Lily dead. And because of his own actions too.

But Severus would have to bear the consequences of his own actions. He would have to repent. But he could not do so if he was that broken. The man had been worsening all week. Oh, outwardly he could be seen becoming better. But that was more and more occlumency. And the shields were bound to break. And when they broke, hopefully sooner rather than later, how Albus handled him would either make him or break him irrevocably. The outcome would determine whether he would have the ideal master spy he would need, or if he would lose the spy he had forever.

He hoped- he knew- that binding Severus to Harry's protection would deter him from killing himself. With the added bonus of securing that his loyalty would not waver.

A few moments later Severus entered. Albus looked up from his musings to smile at him and greet him in. His smile faltered when he took in Severus's eyes. They were dark as usual but they were dull, without a flicker of life.

As Severus approached and took the offered seat, his lifeless eyes that seemed to look through Albus's eyes with out any recognition and his emotionless face served to constantly increase Albus's worries. Had he already lost his master spy? No, he could not let that happen. This would be the night then, the night when Severus would have to bring down all his walls.

"How are you feeling, Severus?" Dumbledore asked quietly.

"Numb" answered a lifeless voice which sent shivers down Albus's spine. Severus was doing a very accurate impression of the victims of the Dementor's kiss, Albus thought. Albus was suddenly scared of this voice, the voice which had once been passionate and furious and sarcastic and arrogant as per the situation was utterly devoid of any life or emotions.

"Severus, you need to lower your walls, my boy." Dumbledore said softly, no need to beat around the bush.

"I cant" came the emotionless reply.

"Of course you can Severus, you can and you must. You know this is not healthy, for you or your mental state. But you don't have to do this alone. I will help you."

"You cant help me." Severus replied with out the expected and hoped for anger or frustration.

Albus looked at him for a moment. He was looking outside the window with unseeing eyes.

"Why?" Albus asked quietly, dreading the answer.

"Because they already broke, Albus. vanished." came the answer.

Albus sighed, the dreaded had come to pass. "How did they break Severus?" there was no way he was letting all his hopes crash without giving his all. The future of the wizarding world would depend on this.

"I was remembering Albus, one moment I was looking at the sky and the next all the walls came crashing down, so fast that it seemed like they vanished. And I didn't.. feel anymore. No emotions, no sadness, no regret, no anger, no longing, no hope. Just pain. I like the pain Albus. It doesn't even hurt.. much." He finished smiling humourlessly and finally looking at Albus.

''Do you feel love?'' Albus asked.

''I feel pain. Isn't love pain?'' Severus asked. Tilting his head yet still looking as lifeless as an Inferi.

"No, no Severus, you need to get better. Look at yourself, you look like you've been kissed by a Dementor." Dumbledore said. He was beyond scared by now.

"I am dead inside, Albus.'' came the frighteningly final statement. As a last resort Albus entered Severus's mind using legisllimency.

Albus entered into nothingness. Where once there had been a white dessert as the first level of defence in Severus's mind, now there was nothing not even a land to walk on. As Albus floated in the darkness he knew instinctively, that this was not a level of defence or offence.

All around him in the gravity less abyss there were spots of light moving around. There was a whirlwind of darkness that seem to suck in all the light and darkness itself. Then there was a star like body which sent pulses through the abyss. There were various other spots of light and some other smaller black holes. and yet it was the white star like thing that seemed to be the centre. It didn't move, it rotated.

With a jolt Albus realized that the pulses of what ever it was, was pulsing in the rhythm of a beating heart.

Albus made his away to the star. He found that if he simply reached out with a destination in mind, he would be propelled by an unknown force. On his way he touch a golden spot of light. -

 _He was standing in a meadow, with a little stream not far away. He was waiting for something._

 _"Sev?" exclaimed an excited voice._

 _He spun around just in time to catch the excited witch in his arms. She looked to be about fourteen. He smiled and felt his heart clench happily, longingly._

 _"What has happened now?" he asked his voice soft and full of fondness which Albus knew to be love._

 _"Why do you think anything has happened?" she asked with a quirked eyebrow._

 _He looked around as if about to divulge a great secret. "Because" he said and whispered seriously "I have powers that let me plunge into the greatest mystery of all time - the mystery that is ...Lily Evans." and then he pulled off a thoughtfully powerful pose._

 _Peals of laughter rang through the meadow that made his heart flutter and made his stomach twist an-_

Albus took away his hand from the spot which he knew now to be memories. He couldn't help but smile at the teen in the memory's obvious happiness. Truly love makes a man something else entirely.

He continued forward to the star without stopping. He hesitated a bit, he had a feeling he might regret this. But then he summoned that Gryffindor courage and touched the star.

 _He apparated to Godric's Hollow. He noticed parts of the house were blasted and felt dread winding up inside him. He entered the house from the blasted doorway._

 _In the living room he saw James Potter, dead. He hardly paid the corpse a glance before going up the stairs. Shame, he may have hated Potter but he wouldn't truly wish him dead._

 _He was up to the second floor hallway now, heading straight to where he could see an open door. He didn't even realize he had held his breath. He saw rubble and a body as he walked closer. It was the body of his former lord. He only felt relief at that._

 _He entered the room and saw his worst fears come true. The body of Lily Evans, The woman he'd loved from since age nine, lying like a discarded doll. Her eyes still open in horror. Her face so beautiful, though it was paler than he could ever remember it to be._

 _He staggered, his stretched hand caught the door frame and leant against it. Dead. Lily Evans was dead. He couldn't move his eyes from her lifeless eyes. He couldn't even register that a child was crying rather loudly._

 _Before he knew it he was kneeling overs her. He touched her face tenderly. She was cold._

 _"No, no no no no no no. no." he refused it. He refused to believe the truth. How? How could she die. How could the universe let the most beautiful thing in the world die? "No.''_

 _"Lily, Lily answer me. Lily!" He shook her. A drop fell on her face. He brushed it aside. He was crying silently. He felt a flood of love, how long has it been since he'd seen the real her?_

 _He wiped the tears which were clouding his vision. "Lily?" He pleaded her to answer him through his eyes. But her eyes held no spark of recognition. Her brilliant green eyes which he'd fallen in love with, which he'd seen so often burn with passion, twinkle in mirth, flash in anger were lifeless._

 _"I did this" He muttered._

 _Within a flash, the world seemed to cave in on him. He realized that she would never laugh anymore, she would never fight, would never narrow her eyes to signalize she was on the brink of anger, she would never babble passionately about charms again, she would never wink flirteously, would never blush so beautifully, she would never smile with her eyes any more. Lily is dead. She will never live again. All because of him._

 _''I killed the best thing in the universe. The best thing that ever happened to me"_

 _And with that came a crippling wave of pain, pure unaltered pain. If he was not already kneeling he would have surely fallen. Instead he just pulled her body next to his and rocked back and forth slowly. He could smell her. Her scent still lingered in her for the first time ever the smell of Lily brought pain to him. It was such a terrible pain that he was sure the most powerful crucio in the world would feel like a mosquito bite compared to this. He wanted to scream, to break thing, his magic wanted to lash out at the world and bring it down with him. And yet this was a pain that leeched away the strength, the will, to do anything. He deserved this, but he had never deserved her._

 _"I'm sorry so sorry Lily." he sobbe-_

Albus was pulled back in to his body suddenly.

"You should not have done that." the Severus in front of him stated.

Albus was screaming, tears trailed down his eyes and into his century old beard. He rubbed at his heart as if to rub the pain away. When he stopped screaming he was panting badly. He raised his eyes to the shell of the brilliant man Severus had once been. "How ...can you.. live with that pain." he panted. Albus's eyes were wide and pained.

"I don't" was the simple pitiless answer.

"Will you ever come back?" Albus asked. He couldn't hope after what he seen.

"Don't worry Albus, since when was I ever allowed peace, let alone a permanent state of peace." The more dead than alive Severus reasoned "This is a simple retrieve. I'll have to live with worse things than pain soon enough"

Dumbledore just closed his eyes. No one should have to live in that kind of pain, and according to Severus even worse than that pain.

It was necessary. That was the only Mantra that kept Albus going.

* * *

 **A Month Later**

Severus was standing on the door to Harry Potter's muggle relative's house. Without preamble he ringed the door bell. Within moments the thin form of Petunia Evans- or whatever her married name was- opened the door. Her faked smile instantly turned into a scowl. Her eyes hurriedly swept around the surroundings "What are you doing here? Freak" she spat.

"It will be better if we talk inside." Severus said in his newly trademark lifeless emotionless voice.

Petunia seemed to be rather afraid of his lifelessness though that could be about the fact she was afraid of his 'freakishness'. "How do I know that you wont harm me?"

"If I wanted to harm you I wouldn't be able to see your house." He replied tonelessly.

She seemed to remember something. "Alright then, come inside.''

As soon as they were inside Severus said. "I only came here to remind you that the boy will be a what you call 'freak'. I remember well enough how you treat us. I will also remind you that if you ever put him in danger or harm him in anyway, I will know. Albus might not resort to violence but I will. I will make sure that you or your husband will never be able to harm him again. Am I clear?" Severus asked. His tonelessness making his words even more threatening to Petunia, who nodded her assent.

"What happened to you Snape?" she asked, she was totally freaked out "You look like you are dead."

"Your sister was killed. And that killed me inside.'' he said. It was a mark of how far gone he was that he would even think to answer this question much less answer truthfully.

"I knew it. You _loved_ her." She said her sneer faltering at his lack of response. "I suppose you want to see the boy?"

"No'' He simply answered. He was about to walk away when he heard Petunia say "He has her eyes, you know, exactly her eyes." Her eyes, Severus thought.

"Fine." He said. And let himself be led to a room in the second floor. There were two cribs in the light blue room. Petunia picked up her son from his crib and left him alone to go over to Harry.

Harry was wide awake and staring at him with big innocent eyes. He _r eyes_. He moved closer. The little boy watched him curiously. After a while he held out his arm to Severus and looking at his brilliant green eyes Severus picked the boy up. He couldn't look away from those eyes, those emerald green eyes.

The boy caught a fistful of Severus's hair and pulled. "Back" he said looking at him. "Back" Severus agreed which caused the baby to giggle and laugh. Anyone else, i.e. who was not dead inside, would have thought it cute. When Harry finally stopped giggling he looked at Severus again with a smile.

Severus saw Harry's eyes, _her_ eyes smile at him and it was this that brought him back. Those beautiful eyes he'd thought dead to the world when smiled up at him with the innocence he'd lost a long long time ago, brought back his soul from where ever it had escaped to.. and he smiled. He smiled genuinely for the first time in what felt like forever.

It brought back the pain, all the feelings full fold but when Severus smiled at the smiling eyes that were the eyes of the woman he loved. He thought he would be able to handle living in his pain.

He felt a sudden urge to cast a patronus. He'd only ever produced white mists when he had attempted to before. But this time as he held out his wand and pronounced the incantem a silver doe burst forth from his wand tip and started to circle the room. Harry and Severus both smiled in wonder.

He kept Harry in his left hand and knelt to the ground, stroking the doe's fur as Harry touched her muzzle. Their hands didn't pass through when they touched her, she was solid enough. But the best thing was that they both felt the wonderful feelings of happiness and love when they touched her, which made Harry gasp and Severus smile again.

He would manage Severus decided. He would manage just fine through everything that would come in the future. Because he knew he would never lose his doe- _her_ doe- no matter what happened. Because in form of his doe Lily would be alive and with him where ever he went, ..and because her beautiful green eyes were not lifeless anymore.


End file.
